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Tube Food, I Love You

I have a confession to make. I didn't know this until now, but I love food in tubes. And you know who is really good at tube food? Why, Europe of course! Here are my current favorite European delicacies a la tube:

1. This is just regular mayonnaise from a regular grocery store here in Germany. It might also come in jars but I haven't seen it probably because I've been distracted by these curious and ridiculously fat tubes. This brand also comes in a smaller 100 ml tube which makes it perfect for flying on budget airlines where they don't give you any food so you literally pack a picnic into your carry-on complete with charcuterie and olives in an attempt to retain your dignity while feeling like a dairy cow lining up for the milking parlor (JK, they get fed). This is what I buy, this is what I cook with, this is what I eat. Tube mayo. My new reality.

2. This is basically organic thousand island dressing in a tube, or as the fancy Europeans say 'remoulade'. I wanted to spice up my mayo game and came home with this. The Danes put this stuff on hot dogs with crisp fried onions on top. I put it on a piece of romaine lettuce with salami and crisp fried onions on top. It's good. 5 out of 5 stars. Would buy again.

3. This is sweetened condensed milk from the Czech Republic. Weighing in at just 75 ml, it's also great for taking on a plane, but now I'm just bragging. I bought this while I was in Prague because it looked weird and I had read that it was a great souvenir. Germany also sells sweetened condensed milk in a tube but the name and packaging are far less fun and I imagine it makes just a so-so souvenir.

4. This is mustard, mittelscharf or medium (literally 'middle hot') mustard to be exact. There are a few different potencies of mustard around here and so far what I've tasted has all been quite different, but all with a more sharp, horseradish punch than most common mustards in the US. Not a lot more to explain here since I've already introduced you to tube mayo. It's mustard. It's in a tube. I approve this message.

5. This is a tiny, 12 gram tube of Atlantic codfish roe from Sweden. The Swedes love this stuff, this particular brand of Kalles Original fish eggs, that is. The normal size tube of this in groceries stores up there is 200 ml. That's bigger than a toothpaste tube. That is a very big tube of fish eggs. I just bought this little guy as I wandered around the Stockholm airport half asleep from my previous flight. It was being sold next to pats of salted butter and travel jars of Swedish lingonberry jam. Bread condiments. I was looking for something to eat but this container was just too adorable and I couldn't remember if I hated tube fish eggs or not. I tried some on a road trip in Iceland and wasn't sure where we currently stood (update: we're good). I did eventually find food of more substance, an actual meal, at the airport but nonetheless felt the need to have an authentic Scandinavian culinary experience so obviously I bought it and brought it home. If it's food and in a cute, little tube, consider it mine.

So in conclusion, tube food excites me. It hits all my sweet spots; convenience, efficiency, cleanliness, travel-friendliness, ease of use, weird packaging, and tastiness. Who needs jars or cans when you can just squeeze a tube? Screw you utensils. You're dead to me. So when should we expect Nutella from a tube? What about almond butter? Or honey, syrup, molasses, lemon curd, cajeta, or fruit jams? This is the future! The food tube is the future. Come join me here, it's great! And no knives or spoons or other spreading implements allowed!